Back in 1902, a sociologist named Charles Horton Cooley dropped a truth bomb that still hits hard today: you don't actually know who you are. Not really. What you think of as "you" is basically a reflection of what you imagine other people think about you.
He called it the Looking-Glass Self, and honestly, once you see it, you can't unsee it.
Cooley broke it down into three parts that happen so fast you don't even notice:
You imagine how you appear to others - Not how you actually appear, but how you think you come across. That awkward thing you said at the party? You're replaying how you think everyone saw it.
You imagine their judgment - Now you're guessing what they're thinking about what they saw. "They probably think I'm an idiot." "She must think I'm confident." It's all happening in your head.
You feel something about that imagined judgment - Pride, shame, confidence, anxiety. These feelings then shape who you become. If you think everyone sees you as funny, you lean into being the comedian. If you think they see you as boring, you might withdraw.
Here's where it gets weird: the "mirror" is warped. Everyone else is too busy worrying about their own reflection to give you the attention you think they're giving you. That embarrassing moment you're still cringing about from 2019? Nobody else remembers it.
We're all walking around responding to imaginary judgments from people who aren't even paying attention.
Social media turned this whole process into overdrive. Now we don't just imagine how we appear to others – we can literally see it in likes, comments, and view counts. Except it's still not real. It's a curated, algorithmic funhouse mirror that shows us what keeps us scrolling, not what's true.
Think about it: how many times have you changed something about yourself based on how you thought it would "land" with others? Your Instagram caption. Your outfit choice. The way you tell a story. Even the opinions you share (or don't share).
Cooley wasn't trying to depress us. He was trying to show us the game we're all playing so we could choose when to play it and when to step back.
The trick isn't to stop caring what others think – that's probably impossible and definitely unhealthy. We're social creatures. The trick is to realize that most of what you think others think is projection. It's you talking to yourself, using other people as puppets.
Once you know the mirror is there, you can choose when to look into it and when to look away. You can ask yourself: "Is this actually what they think, or is this my insecurity talking?"
More importantly, you can choose better mirrors. Surround yourself with people whose reflections help you grow rather than shrink. Find communities that reflect back the person you want to become, not the person your anxiety thinks you are.
Cooley figured out something that Instagram influencers are still trying to understand: our sense of self is social, whether we like it or not. But knowing this gives you power. You can't escape the looking glass, but you can choose better mirrors, question the reflections, and remember that everyone else is just as lost in their own reflection as you are.
The next time you catch yourself spiraling about what someone thinks of you, remember: you're not seeing their thoughts. You're seeing your own, dressed up in their clothes.
And that person you're worried about? They're probably too busy wondering what you think of them to notice.